While facilitating an equine-assisted team building this weekend, I came face to face with one of the great hurdles of the human condition. As the members of this group talked bout how they could better work together, what they needed to overcome to meet success, and the roles each of them played in the group, what I kept seeing was what each individual needed to overcome in order for the group to meet their goals. What I realized, for them and for myself, was that the things that each member needed to do for the group’s success, was the very same thing that they needed to do for their own success. This dilemma is universal. Those deeply ingrained character flaws, ways of thinking, and traumas of childhood are the very things that keep us from realizing our dreams. They are the things that we struggle with every day of our lives. And for people who are up to something in life, who want to create their dreams, who are willing to try to change for it, well, they are up against some tough obstacles.
This scenario left me mulling over the question, as I often do, “What about change?” How does it happen, what does it take? As I observe at the residential treatment facility where I work, people can get overwhelmed by the task of changing. And so easily that feeling can lead to giving up before they have ever even started, however, as time moves on and the level of dissatisfaction with their life becomes increasingly uncomfortable, suddenly change seems like a potential option. Typically, after things in life become unsuitable for long enough, then people get excited about changing.
I had a similar question in my mind as I rode Lucy the other day. We were playing with developing contact with a bit, and working off of the bit. I have ridden Lucy with a bit a handful of times, and know that it is a very delicate situation. I want to teach her to take contact with the hard metal bar in her sensitive mouth, but preserve the trust, relationship, and sensitivity that we have worked so hard on creating. This is a really important job (I feel the pressure...), and I have this goal, this picture in my head of what I want the ultimate outcome to be- you know those pictures of fancy dressage horses with arched necks and big powerful strides, complete with flowy mane?? The problem is, I have no idea what I am doing. I mean, I know the principle, and the theory, and the technique, etc, etc. But I have never done it before; I do not have the experience of knowing what I am looking for, step by step. I suppose you could say that it feels uncertain, like most change.
As I was pondering how Lucy and I would ever get through this next step in our journey, I looked back through our time together at other changes we have made. I remembered that there were once things that felt like this, but now were easy and second nature. I remembered how we would struggle and struggle with something and then one day, it would all come together. This made me feel more adventurous and excited about our current task. Knowing the results that we have been able to accomplish already made this seem less daunting.
Principles, Purpose, and Time are the tools of teaching (Pat Parelli). When we are looking to change something about ourselves, we generally need to learn something new. A new habit, way of being, a new attitude. Principles help guide us on the path to our goals. Principles are things that people must hold to, or it will all fall apart. Determination. When we need to change, we need to hold to the idea of this change. It must be center to what we are doing. When we forget that we wanted to change something, well, we are probably not working on changing it. Holding to a principle helps us to have a positive attitude.
Purpose gives us our motivation. Change does not happen without motivation. Whether it be a better relationship or a healthier body, we need to know why we are doing this! That is why we often don’t deal with those ingrained behaviors and thoughts until they get in the way of our dreams. I wouldn’t ever need to learn how to develop my horse with a bit if I didn’t have that picture of that majestic, flowy haired horse in my head!
TIME!!! This is my favorite one. Time is how you can look back ten years and see how far you’ve come. Time is how you can take a deep breath and realize that tomorrow is another day. Time is how you get older and wiser, and how you learn to have patience with yourself. We often aren’t willing to allow time to do its work. But the fact is that there is nothing more important that taking the time it takes. Anyone who expects you to radically change overnight (including yourself!) is fooling themselves. But a change does happen immediately, and everyday, when you are willing to work on it. Being on a journey to something that you desire is the change.
Change isn’t easy. It takes blood, sweat, and tears, and often it takes a lot of help. The bottom line is no one does it for you, and no one has to live with it like you do. Some change may cost a whole lot than you bargain for, but in most cases if we don’t change, we will pay very high prices. It’s perfectly understandable to not want to change, but it’s perfectly unacceptable to not change when your life leads you there. The reality is, you’ve done it before, just look.
