Bucks and Hops, Spins and Stops

My observation is that most of the problems we encounter in life are communication problems. Communication is two of more people sharing and understanding an idea, right? Well if that’s the case, how much communication is actually going on anyway? Seems more like people throwing ideas at walls, down holes, and into the wind. Very little of it actually being shared and understood. And we wonder why people have anger problems.

First time I rode that pony, she bucked my ass off. As I got up off the ground, still with the marbles rattling around in my head, and brushed the red dirt off my whole body, little did I realize that this would be a moment that defined our relationship. It was communication. There were many more bucks after that day, thankfully, none that actually caused me to hit the ground. It would be easy (and I’ve done it before), to get mad at that communication. It would be easy to blame my horse for bucking, call her wild and crazy, smack her and beat her up for being a horse. But I slowly began to realize that when my horse was doing something that I did not like, it was because I was doing something that she did not like. It was helpful to listen to her comments.

How often do we get constructive criticism in the form of a near death experience? Yet so often it feels that way. For some reason, we take things very personally from people. One of the wonderful things about horses is that they can be our mirror, give us feedback about our behaviors, attitudes, and demeanor without it coming out like a predator (as it often seems when coming from people). But not everyone gets to hear about their faults from a gorgeous galloping creature. Most of the time, it comes from people as screwed up as us, and it comes out angry. So we shy away from communication. We hide our true thoughts and feelings, run into a safe little hole, and worst of all, we don’t listen. Or we snap back, make things worse, and ruin relationships.

In my relationship with my horse, I have listened to her communications. I have looked to understand her thoughts and feelings, and sought out her opinions (most of the time). And those bucks and hops have begun to turn, and will continue to turn, into beautiful, expressive, and athletic movements. True unity. I would not have this relationship with my horse if I had simply made her behave. I might have a horse that didn’t buck, but I would have one that was distant, shut down, and even afraid to move. So many of our relationships end up turning out that way. Instead of being able to express ourselves wholly, we live in relationships that are hindered. And we hinder our own growth by shutting out the things that people say because they hurt us.

What does it take to be able to communicate (share and understand ideas...)? I suppose technically I should be an expert on communication, being a therapist and all, but the reality is that I am human and have all the crap that comes along with that. As therapists, we are at least supposed to try to understand our crap. The most effective way to communicate is to understand what you are saying- verbally, non-verbally, emotionally, energetically... and not be afraid to notice it. Then be open to the feedback you get from others, and try not to be afraid of it. Scary, I know, but it can’t be much worse that getting your ass bucked off by a wild and crazy horse, now can it!

Approval Vs. Acceptance

There are two types of relationships that we have in the world. Those that matter and those that don’t. I mean, technically, they all matter, but really -at the end of the day- who counts? Our family, our friends, those that have to live with us.... Yet somehow, I often find myself in situations where I am looking for other people’s approval. Mostly the approval of people that I don’t really know.

I will let you in on a little secret of mine. It may not be a very dark one, but it does go kind of deep. I have found this lesson lately in my horsemanship, I will take my horse to a show, or clinic, or some situation with other people, with this strange, underlying expectation that people will look at me and say “wow, what a great horseman!”, or that I will win all kinds of ribbons because I am simply the best. Now, we all know that that reality is a bit twisted, but somehow, this weird little part of my brain, probably manufactured in childhood, tells me that I must seek other’s approval. And for some reason, tells me that I must be worthy of other’s approval.....( I suppose that’s another topic entirely)

So what happens when I am in these situations, and lo and behold, I do not GET this much needed approval from these super important people who I barely even know? Well, I could have a mental break down, run screaming into the woods, beat myself up for being so stupid, hide my head in shame, etc. But, I do not do this, because I have a horse! What happens in these situations, I’m finding, is that instead of getting approval, I get acceptance. From my horse :)

What I experience in myself is a lack of perfection, which for some people can be frustrating (guess some people is me???). What I experience from my horse is partnership. She’s there, hanging in with me, saying, “Look, I’ve been with you up until now, I’m with you now, and I’ll be with you wherever we’re going. I love you for who you are, just like you love me. We are in this together.” If I make a mistake, she comes back and we try again. If it all comes together, we both are happy. They say you should let your horse be the one to tell you how you are doing, and she tells me every day with love, acceptance, and joy. So why should I get all crazy in my head about what other people say or don’t say? (again, another topic entirely...)

Approval is looking for someone to tell you about your accomplishments, or how well you live up to their standard. But is life about living up to someone’s standard, or is it about relationships? Acceptance is about being in a relationship that will support you, and love you for your REALITY, not just the best moves you can make. And it’s SO much better!

The Herd

Its been a long time since I’ve sat down to write my thoughts. Perhaps that has been because there were just too many to organize. In the past few months, learning experiences have come and gone, some hitting me without me even knowing what is happening. But what I want to describe today is the thing that has been impacting me most lately, and is one of my favorite topics- The Herd.

Riley, Lucy, Bucky, Inny, Ceasar and Buddy, Zig and well.... Breezy. In no particular order. There- introductions made. But here its not about the individuals, their personalities, traits, or specializations. It’s about the whole group. I have been experiencing the value of this thing called a herd... or a flock, or a family. They are funny things. Never perfect, often in conflict. Many times they seem unfair. But they are always there. There is something about the group of individuals that you call yours, that is different from all other groups in the world. There is a level of comfort and familiarity, but also a level of friction which is necessary to cause us to grow.

You know that feeling that you get when you come home after a long day, prop your feet up on the couch, settling into that comfy divot? Then you talk to your family, whether it be about dinner or your day, or the latest drama. Maybe you get up to do some chores, maybe you say “screw it!” and just watch TV for the rest of the night. Its how I feel when I go out to our pasture. I work at a facility where there are horses. I use these horses in my work, and I have gotten to know and appreciate them pretty well. But they are not my herd. The days when I work with them and then come see my horses I recognize this huge difference. I come home and I feel HOME. I feel like I have been spending all day with mere “acquaintances”, but now I am with family. What is this idea of the herd? Of where we belong? How is it different than all the other places in the world? Recently I have seen such strong herd dynamics in the pasture, and strong “herd” dynamics in my life.

A few weeks ago, our dear friend Breezy left us. He had struggled..... I should say WE had struggled for two years to develop health for him after a debilitating illness. And the one thing that kept him going was the herd. His loyal friend Zig who rarely left his side and ALWAYS knew when something was wrong with him was a major player. And there was us, me and Jeanne (and the family and friends) who were always urging Breeze to eat, or get some exercise, to find purpose in life, because we needed him. Breeze was doing great, but he must have decided that his time was up, and he died out in the pasture that day. When the truck came to get him, the herd all lined up at the fence to watch, or to say their goodbyes, or something. They clearly knew that their herdmate Breezy was leaving them.

Over the next few days, the dynamics became very clear. We watched as Innocence helped Zig with the great grief that he had, and Ceasar brought him stability, and Bucky tried to keep his spirits up. I fit into that dynamic as well, doing all that I could for Zig while working out my own grief amongst the herd. In the weeks following, the herd has seemed much tighter. There used to be little “cliques” in the herd, but recently they have all been together. There doesn't seem to be much bickering, and I have noticed how they are all so aware of one another. They are aware of me too. I suppose that as this herd bond has been strengthened, their bond with me (another member of the herd) is strengthened as well.

I have seen this dynamic play out many times in different herds over the past few weeks. I have seen how my flock of chickens have gently accepted the new baby chicks and how their momma so religiously cares for them. I have seen a group of friends who lost a loved one devote weeks to coming together to mourn her, remember her, and care for one another. I have seen my own family jump in to care for my father in law who suddenly became ill.

These herds are not without their faults. The chickens perpetually bicker about food, and love to “remind” Momma Cass about her place in the pecking order when she gets too protective of her chicks. My friends have, in their grief, lost their cool at park rangers for cutting down trees. My family is likely never to overcome the complicated sibling rivalry that creeps into every aspect of family relationship. I have also seen herds recently in perpetual pain because of inability to communicate properly, misunderstandings, and personal issues. But perfect or not, our “herds” give us a sense of who we are, they give us our position from which we explore the world. They help us develop our boundaries and understand things about ourselves. They help us feel loved and safe.

This causes me to be grateful for my herd. We need to recognize the importance of all those individuals that we call a part of our herd. Whether they be family or friends, people or pets, there is a strong bond that ties us. While it may often take a stressful situation to bring out the best (or worst) in a group, it is good to try to enjoy those moments of comfort and solace that you have in your herd. Be grateful for who they are to you, and for who you are to them.

Roll with Resistance

I met a man today who was resistant. Resistance frustrates me. When people resist things, especially in areas of growing and learning, I just want to push them around- make them give in, or see things how I want them to see them. This was my inclination today with this man. Then, when I began to push, I saw the pain in his eyes. He said, "I don't want to talk about it", but what he meant was, "I am afraid to talk about it, if I do, I may break down." As he left the arena, pretty much in the same manner that he came in, I worried about where his life might lead him. My eyes and thoughts then fell upon the nice moon shaped scar on Bucky's rear end. Now that is a story of resistance.

Bucky had lived a pretty isolated life for about ten years, master of his own herd. When I moved him and his friend, Buster, to his new home two years ago, it was quite a shock to his system. He and Buster were placed in an adjoining pasture to the new herd. Ceasar was the boss of this crew. Bucky, however, was not inclined to take his word for it. To make a long story short, Bucky and Ceasar had their conversations over the fence, each one telling the other that THEY were going to be in charge. The next morning we found Ceasar in the pen with Bucky and Buster, and Bucky with a nice flap of skin removed from his hind end. Ceasar had found that it was important enough to come through the fence, and tell Bucky like it really was.

I used to tell this story with the implication that Bucky just was too full of himself to back down. Today has changed my perspective on this. I was thinking of this in the same way that I deal with resistant people. I act as though it is their own dang fault if they don't get it, that they are resistant simply because they want to be. But the similarity I saw today in Bucky's story and this resistant man was this: they needed to protect something. They needed to protect something. Bucky did not know that soon he and Ceasar would be best friends. All he knew was that he needed to protect his herd, to the death, if necessary. This man's emotions were so great inside of him that he was literally afraid that if he was vulnerable and did not protect them, that it would somehow be too much for him to handle. That protective reaction is very strong. It is part of our survival DNA.

I am challenging my beliefs today about resistance. Who am I to say how important a thing is to a person? Resistance is not just a defense mechanism- sometimes, it is a life skill. Tom Dorrance talks about a horses sense of self-preservation. We can generally understand this when we think about the ongoing saga of prey animals and predators. It is easy to see what he means by the physical sense of self preservation- the need for safety, fight or flight, etc. Often horses also have problems which are the result of their sense of self-preservation in the mental sense. We see these issues in harshly trained horses who need to relearn how to trust people, or even themselves. Tom Dorrance also refers to the importance of protecting the horses sense of self-preservation in regards to his spirit. I suppose that this refers to what we might call dignity, or even self-esteem. Ego, maybe? How many times do people get blamed for their resistance because they "just have too big an ego". Whatever it is, it is a very fine line between something we can see and understand, and something we can't.

What a person protects is important to him, period. Whether that be a thought about changing, or their secret recipe for the world's best brownies. Though it may seem so illogical that a person puts so much effort into resisting something that may be so good for him, I cannot blame him. This problem is his. This resistance is his. All I can do is roll with it. My pushing harder never helps. Dang it.

I have a big horse that is teaching me a lot about rolling with resistance. Particularly recently with all the green, sweet grass, and the need for this 1,500 pound horse to wear a muzzle. You can imagine that a horse that fat would prefer that her eating not be stinted. However, since Riley and I have begun to develop a relationship, I have begun to approach muzzling in a different way than I did last year. When someone is resistant, it is difficult to see how someone or something might potentially help them. Having that relationship and communication helps. When putting Riley's muzzle on, I do not halter her, or even offer treats (though those things would certainly make it easier). What I do is ask for her cooperation and help, and be extremely pleased when I get any of it. I also try to express the intention that I want to do it with her, not to her, or even for her. Horses are very good at reading your intention. Just try putting a muzzle on a loose horse in a 28 acre pasture! People are pretty good at reading intentions too, though they tend to internalize what they see, and make up things about it, which feeds into their feelings of discomfort, distress, or pain.

The problem that I often have in dealing with resistance, whether it be in people or horses, is that I make it about me. I am trying so hard to help; I am frustrated with their lack of participation; I am offended when they treat me with disrespect. The reality is that a individual is too wrapped up in their own problems or pain to even notice or care what I think. I am not even part of the equation. Unless I push so hard against their resistance that I am just another annoying problem. Yet resistance is so hard to deal with because, like it or not, I am too wrapped up in the outcome. But just like the problem belongs to them, so does the solution. My fear is that it may take a moon shaped scar to get the point across.

Rolling with resistance has always been something that I haven't quite understood. But here is what I have determined that it involves: 1) Portraying understanding and empathy about the resistance, 2) Setting an expectation of behavior that you feel is important in an honest way, 3) Be passively persistent- wait until the individual is ready, and 4) Be there to help when they are ready! The key to me is understanding that to them, whatever it is that they are trying to do is HARD WORK. And who likes to do hard work? Really, I would probably do the same thing in their shoes....Perhaps this has been so difficult because of MY resistance to resistance!

All the Moving Parts

I had the lovliest time playing with my Lucy this weekend. Generally, we have a good time together. Things have been going quite well. Most often we even have a great time, but I often struggle to come home feeling elated. And that's my issue, not Lucy's, because she's an angel! This sense of dissatisfaction bothers me. Why can't I be flying on cloud nine about all the cool stuff we have accomplished? I feel like such a.... well, such a poophead. I don't think there's any other word.

Allow me to first tell you about this lovely angel (bear with me whilst I brag....). Lucy is a gorgeous paint mare- the kind you would see on Native American posters running with the wind in her hair. I call her my wild Indian pony. She is as sweet as can be but still has plenty of sass. She always delivers it with grace, though, no matter what it is. Through the something like a year and a half that we have been together, she has been the perfect partner: always willing; she has stepped up to everything I have ever asked her to do, which has been quite a lot. Though Lucy was originally named (Loosey) for her rather loose lips, her name has become quite fitting, meaning, "bringer of light". I want to be just like her when I grow up.....

Lucy and I have recently been working on some Finesse, that is, refining our communication and developing more precise movements. In refining our communication, I am looking for softness and willingness. In developing more precise movements, I am looking for clear communication to a particular body part or combination of body parts. The definition of communication that I like to use is, "two or more individuals sharing and understanding an idea." The thing that I have discovered about communication is that, if it is in fact shared and understood, it brings clarity. And clarity brings confidence. I have seen Lucy go from a very unconfident learner to a horse who is now, not only confident in any surrounding, but also has begun to manipulate her surroundings (her herd) to her pleasure! The clarity that I have had with Lucy has caused me to be a more confident rider. And what I have learned today is that more precision in our communication has caused us both to be more confident in our relationship.

One of the things that horseman Pat Parelli teaches is that you have to be particular without being critical. It is one of those things that I truly struggle with. It's not terribly hard for me to remain calm and not get frustrated anymore when things don't go right. What is hard is usually rejoicing in the good. This is why I come away from my rides with Lucy feeling a little down because she took two steps after I asked her to stop, even though we were riding bareback and bridleless. It is also why I can feel grumpy for days on end and not know why, even though my life is perfectly fine. Or why I will stress about all the "things I have to do" instead of just getting them done; the list is never as long as I make it out to be. I allow a negative thought about one thing to then speak to me about everything else.

While riding Lucy this weekend, I recognized that being particular can actually help you with not being critical. As I worked with communicating with Lucy to move forward two steps, then back two steps, then to the left two steps, then the right....I realized that this particular communication was bringing clarity. And that clarity brought confidence! We then worked on opening and closing a gate, something that definitely requires precision. I had to be particular. We had to have clear communication, or it would have been a whole big problem. There's a lot of moving parts in that equation: people parts, horse parts, gate parts....

This practice in being particular is the reason that I am happy today. Today, Lucy and I were riding in the pasture a bit, and playing at liberty (no ropes), and things didn't go perfectly... This gave me the opportunity to take the thing that didn't work, and focus on it until there was clarity. And I could visibly see that the confidence in our relationship caused us both to hang in there until it worked out! Best of all, I was able to leave feeling happy, and able to truly feel that a bump in the road is just something to work on. And something to work on is a good thing.

There are so many moving parts in our lives: work, home, school, friends, hobbies -- just to generalize. If there is a problem in one area, it may or may not be because there is a problem in another. But you can bet that if you don't fix the problem, it will creep through each area of your life until you can't even fix it because you don't know where it came from. Our brains are like that. One negative thought will permeate things it has no business in. Unless we can clarify with our brain what exactly it is talking about! Once we know where that negative (or positive) thought came from, things can be put into perspective. We have to learn to be particular with ourselves to avoid being critical, and keep tabs on all our moving parts.

The Natural Power of Focus

One of the principles of natural horsemanship is that there are mutual responsibilities for horses and humans in a partnership. One of these responsibilities for the human is "Use the Natural Power of Focus"(Parelli Natural Horsemanship). Of course this is the ONE thing that I forgot while giving a horsemanship lesson a few weeks ago. And why did I forget this one? Well clearly because I wasn't using it.

A few days ago, I was riding Riley, a big draft horse cross who just happens to also be the smartest horse I've ever known, as well as strong and fast. I've only ridden her a few times, and she's probably only had a handful of rides in her life in addition to that. Needless to say, the first few rides, I did not expect much, and she delivered just that- diving for grass every three steps (mind you, there is no rein-wrestling a 1400 pound horse with a neck as wide as her girth!). I did my best to match her persistence, and eventually we got somewhere. Unfortunately, now I expected something. So this fateful day, as I was riding Riley for the third time, she was diving for grass about every thirty steps, but since Riley is so smart, she was doing it with a strategy- to get me frustrated! As I was feeling the heat creep up my neck and the discouragement sink into my belly, out of the corner of my eye appears Bucky, with just the wisdom that I needed. I'm sure some of you understand the intuitive communication that can happen between you and someone you've been with for over 15 years, and when Bucky said what he had to say, I knew he was right. Riley was trying to get me to lose my focus, and it was working. It wasn't about grass. It was about whether I was a good enough leader to keep my focus when things got distracting. hmmmmm......

So this set me on the quest- what is the natural power of focus? Focus is not simply fixing your eyes on a goal and nothing else. I've done that before- and ended up on a pile of snow about half a mile away from where I'd intended after an unscheduled brisk gallop through the field. Focus is not being all consumed with something to the point that you don't pay attention to anything else. How many people lose their families because all they do is work? It's not helpful to have a one track mind in life. A person who uses focus is someone who knows what their goal is, certainly, but I think more than that. I think focus is more of a driving vision. A goal is something specific that you hope to achieve. Vision can be defined as "unusual competence in discernment or perception; intelligent foresight". Someone with a driving vison knows what has to be done, and what it will take to get there. He understands that there will be difficulties, and knows how to deal with them. But there is something more important behind the goal that he never forgets. It's a principle. A good relationship, building trust, being the best you can be, creating a better world. These are visions. My focus that day with Riley could have been simply a goal, and it was to a certain extent- " lets go over to that barrel." But a mere focus on the goal would not help if my vision was not bigger than that- "I will be good enough to be your leader". As it may be for you , I'm sure, my job can be frustrating for me sometimes. Sometimes I feel like there are so many challenges thrown in the way of doing what I have to do, that I lose motivation, energy, and focus. But if I can maintain my vision- to help my clients-I will have a sense of focus that will then give me direction.

The second thing in developing focus, after knowing your vision, is creating a plan. The third thing is sticking to it. I was giving a horsemanship lesson to a young man who was having trouble getting his horse to go where he wanted her to go. We created a plan together to follow the rail. Then came the hard part - sticking to the plan. I gave him the homework for the week to go home and find something he needs help with, create a plan, and stick to it. His mom loved the idea and said that it is exactly where he was having trouble. I am excited to see how it works out for him. In the meantime, I have to make my own plan and stick to it! A plan can be specific and detailed, or it can be a simple idea. "I'm going to keep trying until i get it right!" Creating a plan and sticking to it gives you confidence. There is a safety net in knowing exactly what to do. When my horse doesnt go where I ask, I simply ask again. It keeps me from getting frustrated, angry, and losing focus.

While listening to a podcast from 5* Parelli Professional David Lichman, he reminded me that Focus develops Feel. How much better could I serve my horses, my clients, my family and friends, if I used feel? If I paid attention to when to push, and when to back off. If I was constantly present in the moment to give them what they needed? My conclusion is that to develop focus and feel, I need to keep present in my mind my vision. If the vision present in my mind is to love my husband, be a good leader for my horse, or create something big in my life, then the plan will follow that, and the feel will be there.

The natural power of focus is that it develops unity. If I am going a certain direction, you can align with me and we can enjoy a united path. If I am not sure where I am going, then chances are we will never be going the same direction. And who doesn't want unity? Who doesn't want to be able to ride their horse bareback and bridleless off into the sunset, or have whole, healthy, loving relationships? I do.

My Equine Education

Everything I need to know in life, I learned from my horse. Of course, there are some things he has been trying to pound into my brain for years that I have been resisting. Both my horse and I are therapists by trade. I work in a residential treatment facility for adolescents, and my horse, "Bucky" (as well as several others you will hear of) is often my equine partner in Equine Assisted Psychotherapy. He is much better at it than I am.

EAP (Equine Assisted Psychotherapy), also known as Equine Assisted Growth and Learning, is an experiential model of treatment which involves using a treatment team that includes horses (in their natural state, with all their opinions, wisdom, and communications), an equine specialist, and a mental health professional. For more information on this model visit www.EAGALA.com.

As I do this work, I expect my clients to learn something about themselves from their interactions with the horses, and apply it to their lives. However, the longer I work in this field, the more I realize that change is not as easy as it sounds: it's hard to be willing to see something about yourself that doesn't look so pretty. Thankfully, horses can make that process a bit easier. But, even with their help, it can be a nearly impossible task for the fainthearted to take what they have learned, and actually do something about it.

What I hope this blog will help me do is to give me a purpose and intention to take what I learn from my horses, and apply it to my everyday life and relationships, to constantly push me to that next level. Hey, sometimes you need a push. Hah! I just realized that maybe that's the reason why my horse has been pushing me so much lately!